Creepy nice guys

I was going to call this post "Fleeing in Terror", because that's more or less what I had to do with this guy last night.  I've been trying to figure out what the problem was, and I think I can articulate it now: he was simultaneously creepy and nice.

Simply creepy or nasty guys are easy; I put them down, or leave, or mute them, whatever.  As they're not being nice, there's zero guilt. 

This guy was friendly and polite, but basically came on too strong.  The strikes kept coming:

• Evidently didn't read my profile, which says that being with boys is an an exception.  (If a boy acknowledges this, he's actually well on his way to being one of the exceptions.)
• Didn't fit the sim.  I met him in Hard Alley, and he was dressed (and acted) like a college boy.  Though it's not an RP sim, I like people who treat it as one, and at the least you should fit in with the theme (sleazy urban neighborhood).
• Invited me to his house for sex after very brief and boring RP.  In general if I'm in a sim to play, I want to play there.  And the way to my heart is good RP, or at least good words.
• Met him the next night-- another invitation to go away with him.  Then he asked to be friends.
• Despite three polite brushoffs, he insisted on sending a friend offer.

It's hard to tell someone "Sorry, you didn't make the exceptions list."  But what I really don't like is feeling forced to be so explicit.  There's a reason most people make friend requests after sex. :P 

I guess I feel conflicted because he came off as nice-- I suppose just nerdy and lonely.  But, I'm sorry, he was also being creepy.  A partner needs to offer something-- RP, a good profile, an actual discussion, even a good joke-- besides their own neediness. 

2nd day in 2nd life

Here's the journal entry for my second night in SL.  If the first night was fun, this was an invitation to  addiction.

---

I was traveling through invariably empty dungeons trying out all the animations.  A couple of people showed up in one— one who proceeded to take forever to adjust her appearance, and a woman in green top and blue jeans.  I think I kind of seduced her.  I went around the room (in my  black bikini), keeping near her but out of her way, and tried out the various equipment.  When I was bent over some device, she commented that I looked nicely vulnerable. 

I thanked her, and I think she asked what I was doing.  I said I liked being exposed, and I asked about her.  She said she liked doing the exposing.

We talked some more, and agreed to play together.  She asked me some basic questions— age and location; and whether I’d ever been to a dungeon in real life.  She was about my age, and from Florida.  Her name was Zoe.

Now she got rather serious.  When I agreed to participate, she gave me several animations, all of which made me kneel before her, legs spread, with arms either held out open, or tied behind my back.  She said this indicated respect.  She was very very big on "manners".  She told me her rules: I must address her as Miss or Ma’am— no lower case— and (once we got going) I must only speak when asked a question.  She asked if I was smart and could figure things out.  She said she’d count infractions and punish them.  I gave my stricture against verbal abuse, which was not a problem. 

Now we began in earnest.  She told me to strip, then attach myself to a diagonal cross against one wall.  This is a lovely humiliating view, the whole body exposed, legs parted to show off my pussy. 
Amazingly, the whole scene played out there.  She didn’t rely much on the animations; almost the whole game was mental.  She described how exposed I was.  She asked me if people were watching (two people seemed to be) and if they enjoyed seeing me.  She emphasized that they did, how I should get pleasure from being the object of attention.  She played with trying to get me to slip up.  (I don’t think I messed up on the capitalization, but I spoke out of turn once or twice, and sometimes responded to a question that didn't have a question mark.)

Now she said we were nearly done: just the punishment to go.  I had earned four strokes.  She offered a choice of crop or cane; I chose crop.  She gave me another animation for this.  I was to count and thank her for each stroke.  She approached this punishment with, it seemed, some real glee.  She lovingly described caressing me with the crop, then applied it.  Her descriptions became more intimate; the last one touched my clit (but only verbally [as an emote]).  

That was pretty much it.  She told me to get down, and talked to me some more.  She said I was pretty, and had done well— I needed a little more work on manners.  She warned me that some people could be abusive; one of the signs (according to her) is that they don’t respect their own rules.  You can’t trust the dom(me) if they don’t do what they say.

Finally she gave me a hug.  I asked if I could hug her; she said she wanted and expected it.  She reminded me to get dressed :) and we parted.

What was intense about all this was the atmosphere of control and humiliation (though she was unfailingly courteous).  Playing with the machines alone was a visual thrill, but one good for only a few seconds.  She used just two items (the submissive poses and the cross), and kept it exciting for maybe an hour.  She didn’t use my recently purchased Xcite Clit.

Yancy had emphasized sex and dirty talk, and wanted a good deal of feedback— almost all of it very clichéd.  Very male, I think.  Zee’s talk was spare and rather artistic, and focussed on obedience— I wasn’t even to speak unless asked.  It seemed a very female approach.  I was not actually aroused throughout, but undeniably interested.  I don’t think it was aimed at climaxing, for either of us.

I think her approach cleverly downplays (except in imagination) what 2L can’t provide— touch— in favor of what it can provide very well: interaction and control.  She liked, for instance, to make me wait— one of her lines was "Waiting sucks, doesn’t it". 

I was thinking about this experience all day— really different, really intense, very sexy without, I dunno, the rutting element.

---

I only played a few times with Zoe, but she had a profound influence on me.  She was an incredibly intense person— easier to listen to than to talk to; she talked in short heavy phrases that sounded like poetry.  She talked about topping in a way that made it sound like therapy.

I'm glad I met her so soon and picked up this attitude before being exposed to others.  This is all fantasy, and if it's not a pleasure for both parties there's something wrong.  When I top I try to make it an intense and memorable experience— and when it's over I like to cuddle.  And I never entirely trust someone who's not at least partially a switch.  A domme should know what it's like to do the things she asks; a sub should know how hard it is to create and manage a scene.

That isn't to say Zoe was soft.  The idea of not being able to speak unless asked a question is pretty strict as dommes go, and she made it clear that any disobedience would be punished.... and, as in the above session, she wasn't above trying to trip you up.  A sub ought to be a little nervous at least.  The mark of a really strong person is not abusiveness and aggression; quite the opposite.  A great domme doesn't need to shout.

Ignore the stuff in the entry about male and female dom(me)s— it turned out to be hooey.

What SL needs

I'm amazed that no one's really competed directly with Second Life.  It has so many neat things in it, and it could so be improved.  Here's my wishlist.  (Right this second; I'm sure I'll think of more!)


Can you find the visual glitch in this picture?

One, better avatar control.  You can import animations, and there are some gestures (mini-animations) available, but I want to be able to do things like move my right hand.  And move it in small, natural increments... even touch things.  And I'd like to be able to do it delicately enough that I can actually act with it... i.e., improve RP, do stage business, make sexual encounters more interesting.

I've often felt that a HUD with a bunch of animations could do it. The problem is making the animations... I can script and I'm a whiz with Photoshop, but 3-D animation programs are difficult for me.  (A friend of mine has the opposite problem: she's a guru with Maya but has trouble scripting.)

Two, a combat system.  Since it's not built-in, people have created HUDs and weapons with scripts, in a variety of incompatible systems, and they all suck in one way or another.  Scripts create enormous lag, which in turn makes aiming a crapshoot.  Wall detection is poor.  Since anyone can buy anything, fancy systems allow uneven, unfair gear.  Most good RP sims ban weapons systems, because they're no fun and they create nothing but drama. 

The best solution would be if a simple but effective system was included (optionally) in SL itself, so it'd be fast and universal.  For RP purposes it's more important to be fair than to be elaborate, and it should reward skill, not shopping.  (If there were hooks for a sim owner to tweak the system to tailor it to local RP, so much the better.  E.g. a medieval sim could turn off ray weapons)

Three, update the avatar mesh already.  It hasn't changed in five years, but computers have; SL is starting to look archaic compared to recent games like Fallout 3 or Mass Effect 2.  A finer grid would improve the appearance of clothing in a few problem areas, and greatly improve the appearance of avatars when bending limbs. 

Four, bag the Metaverse metaphor.  SL can't be as fast or responsive as other video games while it insists on doing some stupid things.  One is the overall grid: especially if you're on the mainland, you can see for several sims.  There's a reason video games have convoluted maps where you're usually in a building or a blocked-off street somewhere: it reduces draw times.  What you can't see doesn't have to be rendered.

SL also allows a sim to have a boatload of textures-- theoretically each of 15,000 prims could have six different textures, to say nothing of what avatars are wearing, or other sims you can peek into.  As a result it takes a noticeable time for things to rez, and shopping in-world can be a very frustrating experience.

Again, other games prove that all this isn't necessary.  It'd be far better for performance to have small levels, as small as as single room, where a single designer would have control over all loaded textures.  It'd also be much nicer for most homes and other areas that don't take up a whole sim: almost always your neighbors uglify the environment. 

That last one is such a biggie I don't ever expect SL to fix it... thus my hope that someone will start over and do it right.

First day in SL

I kept a journal for my first few years in SL, and this is the very first entry, complete with totally naïve observations.  The overall description of SL as a big mall is still pretty accurate, though the total population is higher.  The graphics haven't really improved in four years, though the quality of people's texturing has. 

First experiences are important.  Clancy was a perfect first dom, welcoming and fun.

Clancy (later on, after I made my elf skin)

---

Second Life (2L) is pretty cool.  It’s really simple to get into, and the graphics are surprisingly good.  Nowhere near Oblivion, of course, and the renderer is slow (especially on my Mac).  But quite adequate, especially when it comes to bodies.  I’ve found that it’s way better on a PC.

You start out building your character; there are a wide range of basic body types, and you can adjust the body very minutely.  Everything but the avatar name can be easily changed later.  You can get free items, buy them, or make your own; indeed, improving your avatar seems to be the major underpinning of the 2L economy.  

I started out as the "Harajuku female", basically a bratty-looking Tokyo-pop chicklet.  You have to choose a last name from a list of a few dozen; I chose the Chinese-sounding Hian.

Next you get a brief tutorial, which teaches you the basic actions, including flying.  Then you’re off to an info hub, which— like almost all of 2L— is basically a big shopping center.  The thousands of 2L designers and denizens are obviously a product of mall culture. 

There are something like 800,000 people who are active residents— but only 18,000 or so are on-line at a time.  As a result, enormous swatches of territory are completely empty: gorgeously designed environments with no one in them, the loneliness only accentuated by the wind noise provided as a default.  2L seems definitely designed to hang out with people in more than to explore.

Is it full of sex?  You bet.  I tried a couple nude beaches, which were not all that exciting, then a dungeon or two.  One of them had quite a few people, and I was introduced to the concept of pose balls: colored balls which you can ‘sit’ on, which transforms them into animations.  These can be anything from harmless cuddling or lounging to sex, of all flavors.  The dungeons, naturally, contain BDSM animations.

I was watching some people in a dungeon which had (unlike most) people in it, and a guy named  Clancy approached me— naked except for a bondage harness.  He asked if I knew where I was, and what people did there.  We chatted for a short while, and I tried out a machine or two.  He commented that I seemed to like it, and I said I did. 

We ended up doing a scene together.  It started with an explanation of the rules: a safeword ("enough already"), plus I must call him Master (on each line).  I specified no verbal abuse, and he promised there would be none.  I can’t reconstruct all the details now, but it basically quickly involved sex.  He put me on a couple of machines that restrained me and provided animations. 

Afterward we chatted a bit more; he was really very nice, both about my behavior and my participation.  He gave me a hug at the end— a very sweet animation.  He said I should consider being his permanent slave!

On Human (and Elven) Bondage

The best writing on bondage I've read is in Pat Califia's Public Sex, especially the essay "A Secret Side of Lesbian Sexuality".  It's clear and straightforward and, well, rather hot.  Califia is very big on the pleasure of the encounter, its connection to fantasy (but also to sexual dissent), and its incredible intensity:

"A whip is a great way to get a woman to be here now.  She can't look away from it, and she can't think of anything else."

I like one of Califia's comments in another essay: "Vanilla people send flowers, poetry, or candy, or they exchange rings.  An S/M person does all that and may also lick boots, wear a locked collar, or build her loved one a rack in the basement."

For me, submission has its roots in love.  When you're crazy about someone-- or just crazy-hot for them-- there can be a feeling that you'll do anything for them.  For a woman, there's something special about letting someone inside their own body, but men can feel this devotion too... in fact our ideas of romance owe much to the courtly love of the medievals, which eroticized male submission to noble ladies.

B/d takes this beyond the level of feeling; you actually take orders, or lick their feet or their shoes, let them tie you to the bed or to a cross, drink their juices, have your body used as a plaything.  Plus, you know, all this effort is directed at you; you are 100% the focus of someone's attention, and often on display for third parties.  You're the star of a little erotic playlet.

As social animals, we're very focused on power relationships, and B/d plays with power; as Califia says, it offer "the illusion of having no choice".  One sub I had was far more interested in this-- in feelings of lack of control, domination, and humilation-- than in sexual satisfaction. 

Which is a reminder that there are all sorts of ways to do this.  For some people it's all about pain.  Some want 24/7 slave relationships... which are much more practical in SL than in RL.  Some people like to have or belong to a clutch of slaves.  Some like gagging and immobilizign subs to the point that one wonders whether they actually wants a human being or a doll.  Some just love rape fantasies, some like cages, some have very specific fetishes like cloth gags and breath control.  As it happens none of these are my thing, though sometimes it's a great thing to be pushed beyond one's normal boundaries.

The usual joke among tops is that the one in control is the submissive.  It's one of B/d's many paradoxes: all this is entirely consensual, and if the sub doesn't like it they won't do it.  Some subs are so demanding that they'll teleport away if you don't precisely guess the particular things they want done to them.  This is one reason I don't hang out in general bondage areas any more, hooking up with just anyone.  I hang around in RP sims instead, and use the RP (plus checking profiles) to suss out who is compatible.

I'm a switch, meaning I both top and bottom.  (Most often a scene is one or the other, though it can be fun to change halfway through.)  I got into topping more or less as a convenience: there is always an oversupply of subs, and someone has to abuse them.

Topping, for me, is a much more cerebral experience.  I compare it to directing a play... one you're writing as well.  You have to have an idea for a scene (subs all too often leave this entirely to the top, something that can wear you down in a long-term relationship), know your sub, keep them busy and excited.  Occasionally I've gone as far as building a set for a particular scene.

I do have things I like to do to someone; but the great satisfaction for me is to push someone's buttons.  So I really like articulate people who are able to clearly explain what they like (and don't like).  I knew a male sub who loved cages, enforced chastity, cock and ball torture... he was so good at explaining what he liked and why that I could do a good job topping him. 

Another paradox: submissives don't have to act very submissive.  Califia notes this too: a woman who "collapses into passivity" is dull.  (Though I have to note that when I've met people in SL with real-life sub experience, I'm often charmed by their exquisite politeness.  It brings out the Victorian in me.)  It can be a lot of fun to wear down someone's (role-played) resistance or downright rebelliousness.  Though I am no pushover; I can be very severe when needed, and I never make idle threats.

When I'm the sub, I have a tendency to be sweetly obedient.  But I fight this as well; often I play a tough girl who won't be quiet and nice till she's forced to be.  As a top, I can work with either type, but what's most important is responsiveness-- the sub should be emoting her feeling and reactions even if tied up.  (Though again, a good domme tip is to keep 'em busy: ask questions, demand sexual services, give them little tasks to do, try to trip them up and worry about failure.)

Now, how do you do all this in a virtual world where you can't actually flog anyone?  More on this later.

How we have sex

There's a few ways of having sex in SL, while waiting for teledildonics to be invented.  Some people, usually men, like to cycle through poseballs as fast as possible... making a kind of low-quality machinima porn film.  Some people use voice-- I really can't imagine how that works... strategic moaning and grunting?  What I use is words, with some visual aids.

What this means, essentially, is collaboratively writing an erotic short story.  Here's an except from one session:

Kata crouches next to you as you remain bent and takes one of your breasts in her gloved hand, almost directly in your view as your face begins to redden
Kata wraps her gloved fingers around your small breast with a slighty creak of leather, the slightly rough texture reddening the skin quickly as she gives it a little tug, then a twist, trapping your small, dark nipple between her finger and thumb as she does so
Mavia breathes a little more heavily, feeling your gloved fingers on her nipple
Kata : mmm....what a lovely handful...did you have this in mind? breasts i can just...cup...a little...and play with?
Mavia: breasts don't need to be any larger than a hand :)
Kata reaches across to your other breast and tends to it similarly, her face lit with ...glee? at her new-found playthings...
Kata chuckles as she quickly leans forward, opens her mouth, and extends her warm, pink tongue to wrap around your nearest nipple as she pulls that breast to the side, towards her
Mavia gasps as she feels your warm wet tongue on her breast...
Kata quickly sucks your nipple and areola into her mouth, moaning softly as she does so -- mmmmm.....just....about...right...
Kata traps your nipple between the tip of her tongue and her upper lip, rolls it for a moment, then slips her lip forward to drive the little, wet thing onto her upper teeth
Kata leans back just a bit, digging her teeth in and pulling your nipple, breast, and slowly the rest of your upper body to the side
mavia's nipple quickly grows hard as you play with it...
Kata giggles as she tugs at your nipple in this way twice, each time admiring it as it swings back beneath you when she releases it with just the tiniest jiggle
she feels hot and red-faced from holding her head upside down...
Kata : mmm...almost just a mouthful...did we get those boots off yet?
Mavia startles, then awkwardly removes her left boot
Kata rises slowly, slipping her crop under your chest, pressing the shaft against the soft bottoms of both of your breasts
Kata smiles -- best hurry...
and then the right...
Mavia puts the boots aside with rather more attention than she paid her top
Kata taps the shaft of her crop against your chest a couple of times as you complete the task -- very good...now...stand up and lean back for a moment...catch your breath
[Mavia releases her bending pose]
Mavia stands up, and takes several deep breaths, stealing glances at Kata in her catsuit

What you may notice here is that Kata is a goddamn fast typist.  I don't know how she chugs that stuff out so fast.  It's full of constant imaginative visual details and challenges me to keep up, in tempo and care.

Some folks are even more effusive... writing entire paragraphs not just for sex but for standing around talking in a bar.  I find that a little silly... they seem like creative writing assignments gone amok.  I'm all about making things happen in RP, but not about filling space.

Sims, clothing and the removal thereof, poseballs, and toys serve as visual aids... I do respond strongly to visual stimuli, and it helps the imagination to see roughly what's happening.  But all the details and nuances are in the words.  I find a good erotic short story more arousing than porn anyway.

You're not actually touching (and more's the pity), but you are interacting with another human being, working directly and intimately with their kinky little minds.  And being in a virtual world has many advantages: you can fit sexual RP into fantasy or science fiction milieus, you can be a dark elf or a demon fucking people with their tail, you can try things or people you'd never do in real life.  SL is safe; if you don't like a situation you can immediately stop, log off, mute the person, teleport out, whatever, suffering no more than hurt feelings.

As a corollary to all this, the first thing I look for in partners is basic compatibility in desires (usually evident from their profile), but the second is a facility with words.  I like someone who can speak in whole sentences, create verbal images, and is responsive to those around them.

Plus they have to have time on their hands.  Typing takes time; I can rush a session in an hour, but to set up a situation and play it out can easily take two or three times that.

Avatars

In many ways SL is a vision of the future, one of those Iain Banks-like optimal futures where the world is a playground for evolved gods.  One aspect of this is that almost everyone looks like they're 25, which itself is a thrill for those of us who are, well, older than 25. 

A little more strangely, your appearance is almost infinitely malleable.  You can change not only clothes and hair but shape and skin and even sex.  At least when I was new, almost four years ago, avatars started out pasty-looking, like their skin was made of clay, and with the most awful helmet hair.  Here's a rare picture of me from that stage.

You soon, we hope, develop your own style.  I used to be a dark elf... not the D&D kind but the Oblivion kind... a kind of punk Dunmer with blue skin and bright red hair.  Here I am with a dear friend:

I quickly learned that I could make my own skins; the blue skin is mine.  This is a neat ability; besides a whole line of color variants, I made special purpose skins for friends, including a very dark skin (hard to find in the stores then) and a neko skin for one of my subs.  I also made special sweaty and flushed skins for RP purposes.

I mostly gave up on the elf skin though, and used an Asian skin of mine, as in this picture taken by my sweet friend Xev:

There was a glitch and my eyes hadn't loaded, but it makes me look more soulful.

These skins didn't look clayey, but they were definitely a bit cartoony.  About a year ago, though, people started wearing photorealistic skins.  I resisted the trend awhile (though I improved my skin to show the clavicles and eyes better), especially because skins are relatively expensive, much more so than clothes.  But finally I decided I was outclassed, and bought my first skin in years. 

It's not exactly photorealistic  (no pores or freckles), but it's dramatic and I think it's cute.  Of course, I don't have the neat variants any more.

I've often run into someone after a bit and they've changed their shape, their face, their race, occasionally their sex.  I find this disconcerting, so it's been one of my scruples to keep the same shape (with the exception of some minor tweaks to the nose).  All of the pictures above have the same face and shape; the only difference is the skin (and of course clothes and hair).

If I remember right, when I first logged in you could choose your height, and I chose an average height-- about 5' 9".  Most people make themselves much bigger, so within SL I'm usually perceived as short. 

I have a slight, Asian build... which has the advantage that I'm one of the few SL avatars that looks good in a skirt.  Skirts (including dresses) change the avatar, and for some reason the default skirt shape on most people gives an enormous butt, and not a very attractive one.  But they look fine on me:

Well, mostly.  Since this ao dai is slit, you can see how far out it extends in the back.

Well hello there

Um.  Hello.  Is this mic on?

Nice background, don't you think?

I'm Mavia, and I'm going to talk sometimes about my sordid times on Second Life.  This may include talk about sex and bondage, as well as kinky stuff like roleplaying, storytelling, improv, building, and scripting.  I have a Livejournal but it doesn't seem like the right place to ruminate on these things.  It may be a bad idea anyway, we'll see.

I did warn about the sex, right?  And tying people up?  OK, good.

For reasons that should be obvious, what I won't be talking about is real life.