On Human (and Elven) Bondage

The best writing on bondage I've read is in Pat Califia's Public Sex, especially the essay "A Secret Side of Lesbian Sexuality".  It's clear and straightforward and, well, rather hot.  Califia is very big on the pleasure of the encounter, its connection to fantasy (but also to sexual dissent), and its incredible intensity:

"A whip is a great way to get a woman to be here now.  She can't look away from it, and she can't think of anything else."

I like one of Califia's comments in another essay: "Vanilla people send flowers, poetry, or candy, or they exchange rings.  An S/M person does all that and may also lick boots, wear a locked collar, or build her loved one a rack in the basement."

For me, submission has its roots in love.  When you're crazy about someone-- or just crazy-hot for them-- there can be a feeling that you'll do anything for them.  For a woman, there's something special about letting someone inside their own body, but men can feel this devotion too... in fact our ideas of romance owe much to the courtly love of the medievals, which eroticized male submission to noble ladies.

B/d takes this beyond the level of feeling; you actually take orders, or lick their feet or their shoes, let them tie you to the bed or to a cross, drink their juices, have your body used as a plaything.  Plus, you know, all this effort is directed at you; you are 100% the focus of someone's attention, and often on display for third parties.  You're the star of a little erotic playlet.

As social animals, we're very focused on power relationships, and B/d plays with power; as Califia says, it offer "the illusion of having no choice".  One sub I had was far more interested in this-- in feelings of lack of control, domination, and humilation-- than in sexual satisfaction. 

Which is a reminder that there are all sorts of ways to do this.  For some people it's all about pain.  Some want 24/7 slave relationships... which are much more practical in SL than in RL.  Some people like to have or belong to a clutch of slaves.  Some like gagging and immobilizign subs to the point that one wonders whether they actually wants a human being or a doll.  Some just love rape fantasies, some like cages, some have very specific fetishes like cloth gags and breath control.  As it happens none of these are my thing, though sometimes it's a great thing to be pushed beyond one's normal boundaries.

The usual joke among tops is that the one in control is the submissive.  It's one of B/d's many paradoxes: all this is entirely consensual, and if the sub doesn't like it they won't do it.  Some subs are so demanding that they'll teleport away if you don't precisely guess the particular things they want done to them.  This is one reason I don't hang out in general bondage areas any more, hooking up with just anyone.  I hang around in RP sims instead, and use the RP (plus checking profiles) to suss out who is compatible.

I'm a switch, meaning I both top and bottom.  (Most often a scene is one or the other, though it can be fun to change halfway through.)  I got into topping more or less as a convenience: there is always an oversupply of subs, and someone has to abuse them.

Topping, for me, is a much more cerebral experience.  I compare it to directing a play... one you're writing as well.  You have to have an idea for a scene (subs all too often leave this entirely to the top, something that can wear you down in a long-term relationship), know your sub, keep them busy and excited.  Occasionally I've gone as far as building a set for a particular scene.

I do have things I like to do to someone; but the great satisfaction for me is to push someone's buttons.  So I really like articulate people who are able to clearly explain what they like (and don't like).  I knew a male sub who loved cages, enforced chastity, cock and ball torture... he was so good at explaining what he liked and why that I could do a good job topping him. 

Another paradox: submissives don't have to act very submissive.  Califia notes this too: a woman who "collapses into passivity" is dull.  (Though I have to note that when I've met people in SL with real-life sub experience, I'm often charmed by their exquisite politeness.  It brings out the Victorian in me.)  It can be a lot of fun to wear down someone's (role-played) resistance or downright rebelliousness.  Though I am no pushover; I can be very severe when needed, and I never make idle threats.

When I'm the sub, I have a tendency to be sweetly obedient.  But I fight this as well; often I play a tough girl who won't be quiet and nice till she's forced to be.  As a top, I can work with either type, but what's most important is responsiveness-- the sub should be emoting her feeling and reactions even if tied up.  (Though again, a good domme tip is to keep 'em busy: ask questions, demand sexual services, give them little tasks to do, try to trip them up and worry about failure.)

Now, how do you do all this in a virtual world where you can't actually flog anyone?  More on this later.